Tuesday, 3 June 2008

German tabloid mocks UK tourists

Actually this is useful information for others. Becuase what they are pointing to is the archetypal package deal tourist who just wants sun, sand, beer and fish & chips. The sort so ably defined by Eric Idle.

"Yes, I quite agree with you, I mean, what's the point of being treated like a sheep? I mean I'm fed up going abroad and being treated like sheep. What's the point of being carted around in buses, surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea, 'Oh, they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home', stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh 'cause they 'overdid it on the first day', and being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and Bontinentals with their international luxury modern roomettes and their Watney's Red Barrel and their swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending to be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging into the queues and, if you're not at your table, spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some big, fat, bloated tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners, and then some adenoidal typists from Birmingham with diarrhea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week, there's an excursion to the local Roman Ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel, and then one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food, 'Oh, it's so greasy, isn't it?', and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an Instamatic and Dr. Scholl sandals and Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up all over the Cuba Libres, ...

One of my coworkers once described how he chose where to spend his holiday. "We get off the plane in Athens and take the first ferry - no matter where it is going to. We then repeat the random ferry selection process until we stop hearing English spoken."

I would also try to avoid organised groups of any nationality. Not because of any xenophobia but because I do not want to be herded about, nor subject to those who like that sort of thing.

But of course anyone who has taken a cheap package tour always complains about how the Germans always claim the best spots on the beach, or the most favoured sun loungers, by getting up early and leaving their towels on them before they go and line up for breakfast. They still are determjed to claim their place in the sun. And the sight of gaggle of fat naked hausfraus slowly frying themselves on a concrete slab is one that I have no wish to see again.

"Don't mention the war!"

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